Dear Friends,
I send this message on Father’s Day.
Along with good wishes for all dads and dad surrogates, here are:
- A few personal reflections from the silent retreat I just attended with Jon Kabat-Zinn and 200 teachers, scientists, and researchers from 29 countries ~ a transformative experience
- A “back pocket” forgiveness practice for moments when you know you are stuck in a past hurt
- A new 20-minute guided meditation on forgiveness, for times when going deeper would be useful.
Also, an invitation to join me and Éowyn Ahlstrom in retreat later this year.
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As many of you have likely experienced, retreats give us a chance to make space in silence to allow for the unresolved to arise. New insights and creativity are part of the process.
While on my recent retreat I had the opportunity to revisit my 2 fathers (my dad and my step-dad), their gifts and the heartaches they gave to me. Consequently it brought to mind the forgiveness practice I have followed for some time and still do.
It is said that when people come near death, often what is left undone is related to forgiveness, and the lack thereof.
We forgive so that we do not continue to suffer 20, 30, 40 years later, still recalling harms done to us or harms we caused. Carrying our harms is like holding a container of hot oil: we get burned in the process of holding our anger, rejection, abandonment.
So here is the practice – with all the best to the good parts of the dads we had, and in honor of all the young men willing to take on the awesome task of raising healthy, well-adjusted children.
For those of you seeking an opportunity for supported reflection, or curious about the transformative power of silent retreat, I invite you to Connecticut on December 3-7. Attend in person or online, just before the holidays. Join me in a beautiful place by the sea. Wisdom from the Heart Retreat
“Back Pocket” Forgiveness Practice
For moments where you know you are stuck in a past hurt, here are a few phrases that can help.
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Begin by taking a few intentional deep breaths, maybe placing a hand on your heart.
Invite an image of the person who harmed you into your mind and heart.
Say to yourself:
“Just like me, this person wants to be happy.”
“Just like me, this person would not want to intentionally cause harm.”
“However the pain came to me – through this person’s thoughts, words, actions; intentionally or unintentionally – I forgive her/him.”
Repeat this phrase 2 more times, sensing the hurt, softening the body and inviting the heart to open to the possibility of releasing this painful past and forgiving the person.
Remember that the harm is often not personal. It makes us feel imperfect, but we don’t have to make it last.
Take a few more breaths, and remember:
This is a practice, not a once and done.
